Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
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People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.