succession but with mickey mouse and friends
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[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
I only say stupid things when I talk.
SPLOOT
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.