Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
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It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day