[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
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ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
The first matador
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.