I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
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Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.