Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
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Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
huge valentines day plans this year!!
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar