They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
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[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
a badder mouse
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*