Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
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Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
mmm onion ringos
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”