math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
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If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
This is hilarious….
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I will never stop laughing at this
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.