Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
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Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.