You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
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Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.