Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
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Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.