Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
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My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Mummies are just super modest zombies
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.