Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
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My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Catering service
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!