What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
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Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
What personal space?
My dog
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
respect