Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
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Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila