Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
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My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
The struggle is real
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”