Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
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I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
The Sun
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
This week’s mood.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
My good tweets are in my other pants.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it