My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
You Might Also Like
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.