Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
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Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
dictator is short for richard potato
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard