I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
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Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.