[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
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Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.