Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
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Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake