[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
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Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack