me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
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A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.