If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
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My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Just got to our Airbnb!
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles