Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
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There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Just had my nails done!
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea