My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
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A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.