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Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*