I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
You Might Also Like
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect