Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
You Might Also Like
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.