>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
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I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
This bar smells like my childhood.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?