I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
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Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?