In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
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KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
<- sleeps well with others
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
☠️☠️☠️
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.