{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
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today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
.. do you even science?
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?