Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
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MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they鈥檙e just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 馃グ
wut hotdog?
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Me: Hi! I鈥檓 here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That鈥檚 the one.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can鈥檛 spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can鈥檛 wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I鈥檓 not sure
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*