– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
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SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.