Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
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When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
God has abandoned us.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends