Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
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I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/