Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
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REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
😂😂
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.