Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
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When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I think I’m having a stroke
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.