Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
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I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My boss called in sick of me
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
that colleague who touches your screen
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%