Happy Febuary everyone!
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I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
my first dose meeting my second