these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
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My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.