The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
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Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS