If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
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Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
This is why I hate group projects
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what