*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you đ
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
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Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is âextra toppings: ÂŁ2.30!â and then itâs clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
[first date]
Me: Iâm a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Letâs cut to the chase babe. Iâve only got a few DMs left.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, whatâs next?
Sex steak?
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she âonly eats farm-to-table,â and has ânever felt better.â
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
âHave you seen the cat, Sam?â
âThe what now?â
I went on my daughterâs movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!