Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
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[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.