(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
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My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Strangers have the best candy.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?