[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
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[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Lmfao
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.